Spirit Trickle

This girl and this girl. Cousins. Friends. Kindred. The spawn of two close cousins, friends, kindreds.

That would be my cousin Ari and me. But no, I am not finished. This connection goes even deeper. 

How about these grandmothers.

 

Both best friends and sister-in-laws and kindreds. How lucky that my sweet uncle married my mom's best friend. How great it was growing up with this example of connection and love between women. 

I have many memories of belly aching laughter with these family girls. Movie nights, overnights at my Aunt Lisa's. Clueless, Drop Dead Fred, The Exorcist and a whole lot of strange and creepy flicks. And let's discuss shopping. All four girls - my mom, Aunt Lisa, Ari, and I - we would stop at Friedrichs for a coffee then head to the mall. Weekend after weekend. And church and Borders Books. Going and going. But always talking about everything the entire time. Stupid things and important things.

 Real life things most of all.

I remember going to my Aunt Lisa's and Uncle Jeff's and feeling peaceful. I loved how their house smelled. Always a candle and coffee brewing. Some music playing and some kitchen gathering. Their yellow, cheery kitchen. I can see it clearly. Mail on the table, that candle lit, the white mirror on the wall. My aunt filing her nails and giving me that kind smile. And those eyes always pretty and inviting and mysterious. 

I cannot count the number of times I spent with my aunt or the number of times she made me feel special - quietly special. 

A soft and gentle spirit she had. She didn't need to say or do much to give me a sense of peace. I don't think she knew the power she had.

My sweet aunt passed away two July's ago. 

My cousin's one and only.

  My mom's very best friend. My beloved aunt. 

 Lily's grandmother.

This is hard to deal with. It is hard to have all of these beautiful memories and want more, more, more. Only this time with our girls Ivy and Lily. 

I imagine Lisa a lot. I imagine her pulling up in her jeep, my mom in the passenger seat, coming into my house, an iced latte in hand with a teensy bit of hazelnut, her fun little laugh and spotless clothes. I think about how she would interact with Ivy, her great niece. She would appreciate Ivy's toddlerness, the complete nuttyness. She would eat it up. And my mom would love that.

I imagine my aunt as a grandmother. She would be perfect. She would be hopelessly lost in Lily. I imagine her eyes fixated and her hands holding precious girl. She would laugh and laugh and so would Lily. 

And the moments would be so beautiful.

A hard place to visit. But sometimes an indulgent neeeeed.

And all this to say, I want to be the best aunt I can be to Lily. I want to smell good and be peaceful and have an inviting home. I want to bring some of her mom into her world, of course in aunt form. Ari has the most important part covered. She is fifty percent of what we miss. Its in her face and hands and expressions.

Just the other day my best cousin Ari came over and was playing with my girl Ivy. I could not believe the way Lisa came through. Facial expressions and sounds and laughter. All her. And she loved the way Ivy was saying fish. Kind of like fEsssh. Ari kept trying to get Ivy to say "fEssssshh". And Ari laughed and laughed. And that totally made me think of Lisa. I cried that night. But I was also very thankful. The awe of genetics and spirit handed down again and again. Thank God.

Kindred people and hearts and memories. I gladly take the pain of missing my aunt for those treasures.